During my pregnancy with Adeline (our second child) I had a lot of fear. Fear about being able to love two children, fear about what life would be like when my daughter was born, and mostly, fear about how I would make this transition to having two. Here are 10 things that helped during our family's big transition from having one to two kids.
1. Call your new baby by (a) name. If you are a couple who names your child during the gender reveal, that is awesome! My husband and I have never felt comfortable or ready to name our children before meeting them face to face. Because of this we have used nicknames during pregnancy for our new baby. While pregnant with Adeline, we called her “Sissy” consistently. Benjamin caught on pretty quickly. By giving her a name, it helped foster their sibling relationship before meeting her. It made a clear connection for him when referring to her in the womb.
2. Talk about life with the new baby while she is still in the womb. I was intentional to make Adeline a part of the family long before she was visibly so. As many times as I could remember, I would include her in our routine in future tense. This looked like “Good job picking up your toys Bud, when Sissy comes, you can help her learn to pick up toys too” or, “Lets change your diaper! When Sissy is born, she will have diaper time too!”
3. Create opportunities for your first child to practice waiting. Originally, this was counterintuitive to me. During my pregnancy, I wanted to give my Benjamin all of my attention before his sister was born, while I still could. A friend pointed out to me the problem with this way of thinking. If I gave Benjamin my undivided attention during my pregnancy with the second baby, when she was born, she would be the reason for my divided attention for Benjamin. Instead, by creating moments of divided attention before she was born, it meant less adjustment in this area when she did arrive. This could look like this, “Mama’s finishing her tea and then I will help you with that, please wait…” (then sip away, knowing that the discomfort it causes that first child is a gift for them.
4. Talk about baby’s actions and development. I think it’s neat to engage our older child on baby’s movements or stages in real-time. For an older child, this can be reading the weekly development App with them, or showing them an item in the house that is the same length or weight as the baby growing in the womb. For a younger child it might be as simple as having them feel baby kicking and talking what body part may be prodding into their hands. Engaging Benjamin on how “Sissy” was moving, growing, and changing, was a neat experience. I loved seeing him engage in learning about her before he could see her.
5. Consider a sibling gift exchange. I know a lot of people bring these gifts to the hospital for the gift exchange to take place. Personally, I didn’t want our kid’s first interaction with each other to revolve around presents. Instead, we waited until we were settled at home before doing this exchange. It turned out to be so fun! For me, the best part of the whole exchange was picking out her gift ahead of time with Benjamin. Having him pick something for Sissy, talking about how she’d enjoy it, and wrapping it together was a special memory for us both.
After Birth
1. Be hands free when the older sibling meets baby. This was a big one for me. I made sure to be “hands free” when Benjamin entered the hospital room after Adeline was born. I imagined the alternative like this: Mama goes from being in pain, to MIA, to calling him in the morning from a place he doesn’t understand (the hospital), and then he walks into a room where mama is lying down (looking a little frazzled) with bands and bracelets on her he’s never seen, oh yes and cuddling a random child?! All while he’s trying to make sense of where the heck she’s been these past two days! No. This was not what I wanted my 1 year old to experience. Instead, I had our parents call me when they arrived at the hospital. I then made sure that Adeline was fed, swaddled and content, and placed her in the bassinet. When Benjamin was brought into the room, I had my arms wide open just for him. Because of this, Ben and I had a moment of reunion that he needed before adding to the confusion. The funny part of all of this was how brief our little moment (that I planned for 9.5 months) was. Benjamin barely got into my lap before he pointed to Adeline and said, “Sissy?!”
2. Make nursing time inclusive. Ask your older child to join you. Help them engage, or “help” with the nursing process, so they feel a part of things and not like an outsider. I would have Ben help her latch if he wanted, and he was encouraged to bring books or toys up on the bed to use during our cuddle time. Basically, I imagined that the older one needed “nursing time” too, just minus the milk!
3. Carve out intentional time for the older sibling, as best as you can. Maybe this can be a walk around the block (or half way), or intentional play time on the floor (for as your postpartum bottom can handle). It doesn’t have to be an extravagant gesture, just an intentional one. Simply showing interest in the older sibling's playtime with eye contact, goes a long away.
4. Know your older child’s love language, and speak it. Benjamin has always needed a lot of physical touch to feel connected and loved. This was a bit tricky to manage when Adeline arrived, between baby-wearing her, nursing, burping, etc. But, I did my best to keep his love language in mind, and to keep him physically close to me. This looked like an extra minute of bedtime tuck in for him, a spontaneous back rub, a kiss on the head, etc. Just making sure to touch him in between all the duties of having a newborn (and during as many of the duties as possible), helped to ensure Benjamin felt loved and cared for during this transitional time.
5. Expect and accept imperfection. The goal here is not doing it all perfect, but rather doing our best. When mom guilt strikes: breathe, give it God, and reach out to your village of mamas who have two (or more) kids. They have walked this road before you. Remember that all kids with siblings have gone through this adjustment. Remember that you are not “hurting” your older child, but enriching their life (siblings are a gift!) Remember that God knew exactly what He was doing bringing this additional family member into your lives. If you are doubting your own decision, trust His!