I first experienced postpartum depression and anxiety after our second child (Adeline) was born. It came on around 10 months postpartum and it scared me to death. I didn’t admit to myself or others what I was experiencing, until I had come through it. I was afraid of labeling it, I was afraid of how bad it would become, I was afraid of fully accepting the reality of it. I lived in denial, fear and anxiety. I carried it all myself. Around 14 months postpartum with her, I finally felt that it had passed. I found out I was pregnant shortly after. Currently Bernadette (our third) is 3 months old. Once again, I am walking through postpartum depression, anxiety and some OCD. This time though, I am more honest. Honest with myself, and honest with those around me. I have shared with many friends and family members what is going on, how hard it is, etc. Time and time again, I have been asked “what’s it like?” I thought I would share my honest answer here...
It’s like:
I am sitting around the dinner table with my husband and kids, but I am in a sound proof box. I am there but not all “there”
It is emotionally isolating
It feels like something is very wrong while everyone around me is experiencing joy
It's like hanging out in a place of worry about the next possible danger or stressor while everyone else is experiencing the present moment
It feels like intense guilt for not being enough
It feels like crying because I’m crying
It feels like I should be stronger than this
It feels like my kids deserve better than this
It feels daunting to grow our family in the future
It feels like I am being robbed of this little time I have with my young children
It feels like mourning how I thought motherhood would be for me
It feels like my kids demands far outweighing my motherly capabilities
It feels like I am the only one who is not like the other moms
It feels like the heaviest cross I have ever carried
This time around, I have decided to share about it. I have decided to acknowledge this cross for what it is - hormonal imbalance, mental healing after pregnancy, needing some extra time to recover, healing from past traumas. This time around I am calling it for what it is. Postpartum depression. Postpartum anxiety. Postpartum OCD. Naming it is scary, and freeing at the same time. It is scary to know it, to hear it, to accept it. It is freeing to not carry it all alone. Through this postpartum journey, in my moments of carrying this heavy cross, I have fallen from its weight many times. I have been completely broken and beaten down by this hardship. In these moments of complete defeat, I have seen God pick up my cross and carry it for me. I have felt God tell me, “Hannah, you cannot carry this cross alone, give it to me,” But I have also heard God tell me to "share it with others.” I have felt God show me specific people to share this burden with and I have found relief by the sharing of my cross. Sharing it with others is done in different ways. Sometimes, this looks like me being honest when someone asks me “how are you?” and the answer isn’t “good.” It looks like me asking for prayers and explaining why. It looks like me allowing others to help me when they offer to. I can see now that this cross was never meant to be carried alone. I do not like to depend on, to burden, or to inconvenience others. But through my vulnerability, I can see this cross is becoming a blessing. It is not something I would choose for myself, but I can choose to allow God to work healing, and miracles through it even so.
I still feel “less than” at many moments of each day. I still regret my kids seeing a less-than-perfect version of their mama. I still cry out to God to take this heavy cross away. But in all of this I see God showing me that His lessons will someday be lessons for my children. My kids will be given their own crosses in their lives. I pray that from my current cross they will learn how to carry theirs. I hope they will see my faithfulness and be given courage to be faithful too. I hope they will see my prayers and know that God wants to hear theirs too. And in all this, when they have a cross too heavy for their own shoulders, I hope they will know not to carry it alone.
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