When we got married we made a decision to never speak negatively about each other. In our four years of being together we have kept to our rule really well. I have been tempted many times to totally vent to my friends during some of our biggest fights, or low points in the marriage (yes we have had them!). But, by choosing to honor or “rule” during these trials, I have seen some amazing miracles take place. I wanted to share about that here. Here are my reasons for never gossiping about my husband.
1. We are one!
When we put down our spouses we are putting down ourselves. During our wedding we literally became one. We both take that reality seriously. I believe that when I speak negatively about my spouse it reflects my own faults as much as his, because of our oneness.
2. Our thoughts become our words.
Have you ever heard that our thoughts become our words and our words become our actions? By putting our spouse down in little thoughts, those thoughts slowly (sometimes quickly) turn into big resentments. Big resentments are what break apart families.
3. We are called to be a witness
Marriage is the most beautiful earthly example of Christ’s love for His Church. Bride and groom have a special opportunity to experience God’s love within their marriage, but also to share that love with the world. Putting down our spouse is not loving. If we gossip about our spouse to our friends, we are missing out on a beautiful opportunity to share God’s love with that friend. Our world needs strong marriages! Choosing to speak positively (only!) about our spouse is refreshing to society. It is not common, but it is so important. I have seen our marriage work as a witness to God so beautifully and subtly just by loving Aaron and building him up. God can work miracles between husband and wife and through husband and wife when we allow love to rule in our hearts toward our spouse.
4 .Our kids need a healthy marriage
This one is huge for me. I did not grow up with a healthy marriage to look up to, to feel safe in, to learn to emulate. I wish I had. I have found healing from my childhood by placing my focus on giving my children what I didn’t have. That for me, is a healthy, Godly, loving marriage. The common thread of advice that I hear when I ask older married couples is this: put God first, your spouse second. As a mother that is not always practical, I know. You can’t just tell you poopy, crying baby to hold on when your husband needs help with something. In family life, husbands often come “second” in practical way. But, that is just an opportunity to put extra effort into the priority of our hearts. I have found that regular date night (the more often the better) to be so crucial for staying connected to Aaron, but mostly for reminding me that he comes before my kids. After all, the greatest gift we can give our kids is a healthy marriage. Healthy marriages don’t just happen, they are a product of daily commitment, choosing to love our spouses, scheduled dates, genuine apologies, and deep forgiveness. Our marriage is not perfect, but we do try our best, and when we fail we do learn from our mistakes. Our children need us to stay close!
5. Praying for our spouse creates change
When we choose not to put down our spouse, sometimes the lack of venting causes a frustration, so huge that we need to vent to someone! When we choose not to vent to our friends, sister, mother's group, etc. we only have God to turn to. This prayer is where real change happens. Venting to our friends about our spouses, weakens our marriage. Praying for our spouse strengthens our own relationship with God and allows God to work on our husband’s hearts. Pray for your spouse! If that looks like kneeling and asking God to bless and protect him and maybe change one tiny little thing, do that. If that looks like crying out to God in frustration and complete brokenness, do that. Just tell God all about it, He can handle it all. He knows your spouse better than you ever could. Try it. The next time you want to gossip about your husband, don’t! Then go tell the Lord all of your feelings: your fears, annoyances, desires for change. Be specific and be real with God. That is where the true gifts have taken place in our marriage, from deep, honest, (sometimes angry) prayer.
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