I spoke with someone today about motherhood. In our conversation, it became clear that we have very different views on how mothers should view themselves, their role in their family, and the world around them. This woman was gently trying to have me see her opinion about the role of a mother, and perhaps, justify her choices in her own journey with raising children. She told me that when her own mother died, the only things that stood out about her obituary were the things she did rather than the children she raised. This obituary complemented her mother’s success in education, job experience, travel, and other tangible achievements. When I heard this, it made me sad. I was sad that this woman didn’t have a mother who choose her and her family. We continued talking. It became more clear that this woman decided to prioritize the same tangible achievements in her own journey as a mother. She told me that being home with her kids was never “enough for her.” That she got bored, that she wanted “more” for herself. I heard many things about her, not many about her children. I think she, and many other mothers I know view motherhood in this way. They believe that being at home all day with children surely cannot be the only way to spend our precious time, that we need “more.”
When I was engaged to my husband, I worked as a nanny for a family who had nine children. I learned many valuable lessons during this time that have served my marriage, family, and household over the years. I learned about rotating laundry, scheduling, cooking, cleaning, organizing, and (of course) children. But, the lesson that stand out to me most, is what I learned about my own heart, particularly in the subject of motherhood. In the year of caring for their children, I discovered a strong calling on my heart to raise my own children. I loved the children I worked with, I actually felt maternal toward them in many ways. Each day, I spent 8 or more hours in their presence, helping them, teaching them, feeding them, etc. As much joy as this family’s children brought my heart, it brought my sadness too. I knew that I was experiencing the joy that their mother was missing each day. Sure, she came home and got to soak them all up! But I was the one day in and day out, catching milestones, smiles, laughs, achievements. I was there, she was not. This experience gave my heart a clear conviction: I wanted to be the one spending the time, creating the memories, and ultimately raising my children, not someone else.
And so when we were engaged we began making clear plans on how we could make “things work” in a way that would allow me to be with our children. In marriage prep, Aaron and I aligned our hearts on this priority, that I would be the one raising our children.
This brings me back to my conversation with this woman today. It’s obvious that she did not share this conviction of heart about raising her children. She wanted more than what motherhood could offer her. She wanted a paycheck, she wanted a “purpose.”
At 26 years old, I have had several different jobs, several different types of paychecks. I have done many things for myself. But, never have I experienced such a joy as when I am fully devoted to my vocation as a wife and mother. Being a mother is the part of who I am that takes me the most away from focusing on myself. The demands of motherhood, from pregnancy on, are so overwhelmingly intense that I have very little time or energy to ask myself “what am I missing?” But the most beautiful part of this, is that giving so much to our kids has been the most fulfilling “job” I have ever had. When our son was born, I had such a hard time adjusting to how little I got to think of myself. It was hard to be needed every moment of every day (and night). But from that moment of his birth until now, I have continued to grow as a person in ways that I would never have grown without my beautiful family, and its beautiful needs. Unlike the mother of the woman I talked with today, I choose my family. I make them a priority, every single day. I no longer prioritize myself, and I know longer allow selfishness to be my driving force in life. I’m not comparing selfishness with self-care. They are very different! Self-care is so important, especially in my season of life as a cook, housekeeper, teacher, human-grower, etc. But, selfishness is something entirely different. Our culture applauds selfishness in its mantra of, “do whatever makes you happy.” There’s nothing wrong with being happy, but there is something very shallow about only thinking of our own happiness. Though this woman’s intention seemed to be to enlighten me on what I’m missing out on by homeschooling our three-year-old, taking care of our one-year-old, and growing our newest family member. I was actually very affirmed by our conversation, that I am not missing anything at all. That heart conviction I experienced as a nanny, has proven to be one of my truest callings. Being a mother is one of my highest callings here on earth. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Every day, it is my job and honor to raise these humans. To teach them right from wrong, the difference between mammals and reptiles, how to respect others, how to share well, how to eat well, how to pray well, and in all of this, how to discern their own God-given purpose in this life. If someday, my obituary fails to recognize my academic successes, the business ladders I climbed to the top of, my travels around the world, or my creation of a new company that serves thousands. If all they read about of me, is the love I received from God and extended to my family each day, my obituary will have it all. There is nothing I’m missing out on by being exactly where I am today, no paycheck I need, no applause I deserve. God has called me to raise three children, to love my husband, and serve my family. In this vocation, there is nothing more important than that.