NICU Diaries: Day 33

Written day 33 of the NICU: December 17, 2021

Today we were told that the girls are not expected to go home before their due date. Dr. Lang said that 42 weeks is very real possibility. How ironic, after being born so early, these babies may end up coming home as “late” as all of our other kids. 

After Dr. Lang told us this expectation, she explained why. “Because of the girls history, because they couldn’t be kept in the womb long enough for steroids to take effect, because of the placental abruption and their lung damage, because of their unique story.” That word got me… Lord, how can this be their story??? How can I accept such a sad beginning for my daughters? And how can I accept that I didn’t cause this, when all of the parts of their “story” took place inside my own body, which was supposed to grow and protect them? I grieve for the story I wanted for my twins. One of a healthy term pregnancy, a healthy natural birth, an immediate connection for the three of us, a quick reunion to our other children.

This is not the story God has given my daughters. 

So which writer will I trust? Myself or the Lord? Because, if I go back further in my story, I will see that I didn’t even write in my twins. These girls that I love so much, that I cry to leave at the NICU every time I head home, these two beautiful people who inspire my own strength from their tiny bodies... I didn’t even think of them. The Lord did. Because of this, I KNOW His plans are better than my own. When I look at Margaret and Gianna, soaking in the sweet detail that there have beenTWO babies born into our lives, I must choose to trust His story over my own. And in that, I will trust the painful parts as well.

Lord,

Give us all the strength to endure this story you have written, and give us hope for the joy you will “write” for us too. 

Jesus I trust in you.